beneath the surface
I just returned from being out of town for a funeral
of an extended family member. Sad and saddening, yes. In a way, I
wish it were moreso.
The only time I felt strong emotions was during the
remembrance speeches given by his friends and parents. Other than that, I
found it terribly difficult to believe that he was actually lying down
beneath the closed lid of the coffin. It seemed like a disjoint, angular,
unfitting dream to think that as I tipped a shovel of dirt onto his final
resting place that I was literally burying him. I suppose I'd want to
better take in the fact that he's gone.
However, that may take a while to be apparent in my
life. I used to very close to him; he was one of my favorite relatives.
But with our age difference and with our geographical distance I had only
seen him about once every two to three years (and not for very long or
with deeply intimate conversation) since I was about 11 years old. The
way his void will affect me most is likely to be through the sorrow of his
surviving relatives that have been hit much harder.
One thing I noticed during the funeral and burial is
that I was much less gracious regarding my immediate family's
idiosyncracies. It wouldn't surprise me if I was more sensitive and rigid
due to an under-surface reaction to his death. I don't know if that's
healthy. I don't know if that's unhealthy. But I know that in different
ways many many people will be tried and shaken with his passing.
John, as the Rabbi said, you were a gem. Many
individuals are given such titles on their passing, but few are they who
are accurately described as such when death is nowhere near. You were one
of the few, and the only solace for the world's loss at your early
departure is how much you touched it before you left. I hope I see you
when I leave this place.
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