nesting boxes (one way or the other)
I tend to see things in black and white. I tend to
think I'm either great at something or terrible. I tend to think I've
got something in the bag or that it's hopeless. I tend to completely
take on a task or responsibility or completely avoid it.
And I don't think this is good for me. Something
I've been trying to learn is how to let God act in my life. I've been
trying to learn how to give him room to move instead of nailing down
all of the variables and taking control/responsibility for every
decision I make and every experience I encounter.
Here's what happens: perhaps I'm going through a time
when I feel depressed, and I have the thought or I'm given the
suggestion to focus not on feeling better but on how I react and whether
I turn to God. This is where I go one way or the other.
On the one hand I can take this and say, "Well, I need
to not try to be in control of everything. So I won't do anything." On
the other hand I can look at it and say, "I need to turn to God, that's my
responsibility and I can bear that burden. I can do that right." And
that's just another box within the first box. And there's almost no limit
to how small the boxes can become.
If you tell me, "God can change your heart on that," or
something to that effect, then I make my heart-change my responsibility or
I let it slide, since I've decided that it's all up to God.
I don't have a happy ending. It's just where I am, and
everyone has to be somewhere.
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