national insecurity
I know there are only maybe 2 or 3 people who will read
this, but I hope that you will all take heed.
I was recently flying from my home in Michigan to
Minnesota for work. I found that I have a stubborn attitude towards
inanity and incompetence (as everyone should); this doesn't mix well with
security legislation based on providing an illusion of security rather
than real security. When the two collide, the result is a debacle of
humorous proportions (in hindsight).
I had picked up my boarding pass and I was waiting in
the security line, steadily advancing as the still-waking or weary
travelers ambled through the metal detectors toward their gates. I had my
boarding pass and driver's license in my hand and rolled my eyes when I
passed a sign reminding me of the 3-ounce fluid limit because it meant I'd
have to pull out my toiletries for TSA inspection; it meant I'd have to
keep another handful of loose items under control.
The TSA agent had a wastebasket at her feet that was
half-full of discarded beverage bottles and various other containers of
these nd dangerous "fluids" that must be rigorously controlled.
I never knew how dangerous I was with my containers with more than 3
ounces of fluid. I can understand how 2.5 ounces is synonymous with being
a law-abiding patriot and 3.5 ounces is synonymous with planning to blow
up a plane.
As I approached this guardian of America's golden gates,
she pointed to my toothpaste tube and told me I couldn't take it on the
plane. I should have offered to brush my teeth right then and there to
prove that I couldn't break into the cockpit with this tube of heavy,
pasty, minty goop. I decided not to. I looked at the tube and saw that
indeed it was a 6 ounce tube; no wonder it was such a danger. But then I
thought, "This tube is over halfway used up; there can't possibly be more
than 2 ounces within!"
Apparently the TSA uses robots with no penchant for
logic outside of their programming because the agent's response was that I
couldn't take the tube in my carry on. I showed her that this was a 6
ounce tube, and she agreed. I asked her what percentage appeared to be
left within the tube and she said, "Not much, less than half for
sure."
I then said, "Very good. So what is half of 6
ounces?"
She saw where I was going with this and raised her
eyebrows. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to either check this item, give it
to someone else to check, or leave it here," she said, pointing to the
trash can.
"Wait, a minute," I retorted. "What's the point of your
rules? Is it just to be able to say 'Do this,' and 'Do that,' or are you
actually trying to make air travel safer? The way you're acting, it seems
like you're just a robot that neither thinks nor takes initiative to make
any decision. Somewhere in that head of yours you know that my mouthful
of toothpaste is less dangerous than a shoelace, but it's like you're
seeing everything in a blur, or refuse to apply any human reasoning to
your job."
She didn't seem to like this. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll
have to come with me," she said, grabbing me firmly above the elbow.
To make a long story short, I ended up waiting to be
"processed" in a security screening room for an hour; the TSA employee at
the door wouldn't let me leave despite my pleas informing him of my
impending departure time, and the nature of my crime. In fact, I think he
smirked a little bit, which I interpreted as a non-verbal way of
communicating, "That's what you get for being a cocky ass." So I missed
my flight. Which ticked me off! I had missed my flight because some
unthinking automatons who happened to jump in line at the employment
agency just when the TSA was ramping up had been given authority to judge
and carry out their ineffective penal actions on reasonable citizens such
as myself.
I eventually got out of the screening room, and had to
go back to recheck my luggage and get a new boarding pass for a flight
that was leaving in 4 hours. As I was again in line to go through the
security checkpoint (this time with no toothpaste), I came across my
favorite TSA agent. Of course she remembered me. I raised my hands
palms-out, flashed my most cynical grin and said, "No toothpaste here!"
This time she pointed to my bottle of water, which was clearly filled
above the 4 ounce line.
"You've got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed. "How about
if I drink an ounce of water; then can I take it on the plane?
What if I drink four ounces? Doesn't that mean that I'd be taking the
same amount of fluid on the plane but now you can't do anything about it?
Where are your rules for when people drink their deadly fluids?" I didn't
go quite that far, but she did allow me to drink it down below 3 ounces,
which I did while shaking my head in frustration. I continued through the
checkpoint and on to a moderately successful business trip.
The moral that I'm taking away from this experience is
that you can't trust politicians to be smart. They're generally not.
Most are more interested with raising their platforms than making a
difference. 9/11 happened. It was terrible. In response, legislation
was passed to make air-travel more cumbersome and frustrating, NOT safer.
What the politicians received was a line on their resume that says,
"Increased Air-Travel Security," with no mention of how asinine the actual
execution of their ideas really is. Sure, it's harder for someone who
wants to light a fire with four ounces of gasoline to get on a plane, but
what about the ten-thousand other ways someone can sabotage a flight?
The only real security is to ban all air-travel.
Well, none of this really happened, but you get the
point.
odometer
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