the curse of jim and pam
I love The Office. The two main characters have been dancing around a romance that has been touch and go for quite a few seasons. Last season, this relational tension was resolved with their marriage. How nice. What a great example of what love really should be. Right? They are cute, almost always displaying flirty butterflies and cute/witty repartée. In the few serious times they must endure they show each other a patience and committment that doesn't seem to be a challenge for either one. In short, they are simply and naturally happy as long as they have one another. What a wonderful thing.
And it's only fair to expect the same in a relationship for myself, right? I'll know when it's the right person because I'll always feel attracted to her, always be excited to spend time with her, never have tension or difficulties in the relationship, and sense my own fulfillment and freedom from needing anything else when I'm with her. Those are pretty strong indicators.
Furthermore, if I encounter any of those uncomfortable experiences, it would be a sign that the relationship isn't right. Afer all, if I have to try to keep the relationship going in a positive direction, then that means I'm not being myself, which means the relationship isn't right for me.
In case my sarcasm wasn't apparent in the preceding paragraphs, let me make this clear: this attitude is a curse. I also call it a disease: fairy-tale syndrome. It's a tendency that I think a lot of males in western culture struggle with; a tendency to expect the same emotions and endearingly dramatic situations that we might see in a romantic movie, book, or television relationship. It leaves many males confused, disappointed, fearful, and alone. And of course there is collateral damage to the women who may be rocked by these waves.
Perhaps I sound as though I'm trying to rationalize my own timidity in relationships. Or perhaps it appears I want to play off my fears of closeness by deflecting them with a cognitive justification. Well I'm not. In fact, I recently became engaged to a terribly unique and wonderful woman (hooray!). And I've been a victim of this curse. There have been several episodes in our relationship when I've had to process a difference between what I'd expect to feel or think and what the reality is.
For example, immediately after proposing, I started to feel afraid. I was unsure about my capacity to live up to the responsibilities to which I'd just committed myself. I expected to feel fulfilled and lovey-dovey and cutesy and warm. But I didn't, and as a result I started to disconnect from my (new) fincée in a subconscious effort to escape these doubt-ridden fears. The disconnect, of course, only made my doubts more acute! Let me tell you, such fears and doubts are not enjoyable just after proposing to the woman you love.
Fortunately, I found a profound and simple way to press on in the midst of these experiences. Truth. In particular, I needed to focus on two things that I know to be true. First, I know that this woman is someone I care about and is someone with whom I want to be in relationship for the rest of my life. Even if I don't feel it, I know that for a fact. Second, I know that God has helped our relationship get to where it is now (including through the use of other people), and that I can rely on Him to help me in the midst of the current struggle, and all future struggles to come; I don't believe He would lead us to this level of committment and then abandon us. By focusing on and acting by these truths, despite how I might be feeling otherwise, I found myself able to support my fiancée when she's needed it, be patient when I've needed it, and God has been gracious in bringing the enjoyable emotions back - I'm very excited to get married!
May our relationships be characterized by truth, humility, and patience.
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