sincere thanks
Great job. I really admire the things you do. You look wonderful. You worked really hard on that and I can see it payed off! You're so clever and funny. I trust you and feel I can ask you for help.
What do you say to that? Or to any one of those statements? It seems that a lot of people aren't good at accepting compliments. I was one of those for a long, long time. It's kind of funny because most people want compliments but are a bit awkward when receiving them.
The giver says, "Good work here! Your dedication made the difference." The receiver says, "Naw, it was nothing." Or even worse: "Yeah, it's not perfect but it'll do." Or the worst (maybe): "I tried, but it's nothing compared to what Smith has going on."
Here's the thing. By deflecting compliments, the receiver is inhibiting the internalization of self-worth. In other words, the giver is offering self-esteem points, and the receiver is letting them fall on the floor. You might argue that regardless of the receiver's response s/he has heard the compliment and that the receiver's response has no indication of whether the compliment was internalized. I disagree.
In fact, while there could be some level of internalization, imagine the difference in an interaction where the giver says, "Good game. You left it all out on the court. Way to go!" Then the receiver says, "Thanks! It was a tough game but I really tried to give 100%." Here the receiver not only accepts the gift s/he's been given ("Thanks!"), but even reiterates what is being valued.
I've been training my self to respond in this way for the past two and a half years, and while it's not earth-shattering, it certainly has helped me move to a more positive view of myself.
Still working on humility, but that's another discussion!
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